Monday, March 28, 2011

Seventeen point four

Seventeen pounds, 4 ounces...yep that's the number that I honestly never expected to see on a scale until we had more kids.  But it happened.

Last Thursday we brought Aiden to a routine GI appointment to check his progress and see if we needed to change anything ect.  We get undressed and head out of the room to probably the most difficult part of any doctors visit we have with Aiden, a weight check.  We go out, set him on the scale almost holding my breath i wait for what the nurse has to say, 17.4 lbs....REALLY?? We just were at genetics a few weeks ago at our highest weight ever, 19.6lbs and how the scale reads 17.4!?! When I say i could have cried right there, that's just about what I did.  I'm prepared to have a small child, but we to loose weight was my worst nightmare come true.  What were we gonna do? How do I make it stop? I've been trying to do everything the doctors, nurses, nutritionist, feeding specialist, and everyone else have told me to do...what am i doing so wrong?? 

As a mother my heart more than breaks.  I think I struggle with having something so seemingly controlable totally not in my control at all, but then I honestly have to remember that this is not really my child, its God.  Aiden belongs to God, his mind, body and health all belong to Him.  I have such an honor of being able to raise him up to be the man of God he is called but he is not mine, Aiden is His. 

In short, we continue to stay in limbo.  All we are told to do right now is wait.  Its so hard to wait when I feel like we should be doing something, right now, and quickly.  The doctor told me at our visit Aiden has had every test out there that effects weight gain, and theres nothing more than can really do.  Our only option would be, if he continues to loose weight he'll have to have a feeding tube put in.  We won't have another endoscopy till the summer probably, so those results to see if the new meds are working won't be clear till then.  Praying and really starting to help advocate for my child is all I really have left.  So if you think about, please pray too. 

We all have our pet peves that people say, people do.  Mine is when people comment on how small my child is "he's so tiny", "wow why is so small", "is he gonna grow sometime soon?" , "you should feed him more", "give that boy a donut".  I try so hard to bite my tongue because I know most people don't mean harm, they just are saying whats true, hes small.  The other stuff just cuts right through me.  Yes i know my child is small, yes i do feed him (till he stops, I've never cut him off food).  I find myself so angry at people, and it boils down to me feeling like I'm a bad mom, that they judge my parenting skills by how "healthy" my child looks.  People want to be funny, but there is nothing funny about it.  No he doesn't need a donut, he needs help, that's what. 
Sorry for the huge vent but honestly I just can't take it anymore, I just cant.  Ignorance of people astounds me sometimes. 

We are so lucky to have so much love and support all around us and that's truely what I choose to cling to in these times.  Thank you all who pray for my little boy and who love him unconditionally. 

Hopefully soon more answers will the meantime Lord grant me the patients to wait. 

1 comment:

  1. Aww, Kelley, so sorry you're hurting! You're totally right that Aidan is God's child and I know you know that you can trust Him! I know it's tough to wait but God is faithful, and good, and can work ALL things for the good of those who love Him! Just keep remembering that!

    I'll be praying!