How Death Has Made Me View Life

This blog has been in my mind, on my heart for so long but just never felt like the right time.  I hardly post, at all, yet let alone about things that are this type of personal.  In the beginning of December my Aunt Donna passed away.  While it wasn't totally unexpected, in ways it was.  My aunt has been "sick" for a very long time.  Physically she was in a constant state of pain that no doctor was ever able to officially diagnose.  Emotionally my aunt went through a lot in her lifetime so that also contributed to a lot of her emotional health and well being. 

Almost 10 years ago my parents choose to try and help my Aunt and have her come live with us, at the time there was hope in finding out more about her physical health issues.  With all the pain she was in she took a lot of pain medication to function, it was hardcore, mind changing, down right scary medication, and even then I don't think the pain ever fully went away.  In so many ways my aunt was such a strong lady, she endured a lot, but always gave praise to God, and look forward to her day to meet Him face to face.  She was a very heavenly minded person, something that I look back and really admire about her now. 

Within the years she spent her in New York with us we all had trials, hurts, and a lot of life changing moments.  Without going too far into detail, I personally was effected throughout those years she spent with us.  The hurt, the disappointment, the anger of it all I carried with me for so long.  This person was not who I had grown up knowing, who I was so excited to have come live with me.  In my high school years I battled finding who I was while as any normal teenager does, I had the pain of some one's thoughts about me, screwed thoughts, being shown to me too often.  I hurt, my heart, my mind, and deep in my soul as well.  I have carried those thoughts that were put into my head for so long without even realizing their power over me. 

There was a period of time where my Aunt had come to realize some of what had gone on in the previous years.  I remember so clearly, we met a week my parents were on vacation for dinner at her house.  As we met my heart was hard, guarded and not so sure how to soften myself towards her.  I listen, I accepted her apology she offered on the surface, but the wall between us, in never fell.  I held on to the principal that while I can forgive, forgetting and bringing down my walls was not something I had to do, so there they stood, till the day she died.

I knew one day Aunt Donna would pass away, but unlike any other person I've ever imagined this reality about, I never knew how my heart would feel when that day came.  It has come, and gone and I tell you, sometimes I still do not know how to feel.  Before the funeral I sat, and looked at the body of the person that had caused so much pain in my life, yet good times as well.  I was frozen, couldn't cry, could make my head stop spinning, and then all I felt was her disapproval of my life.  I remember all that could come out of my mouth was "she didn't like me, she didn't like me, she didn't like me." All I saw was the pain, the voice of lies, and the horrible past.  I know in my heart my Aunt loved me, I know she is truly sorry for all that the past years has brought to us but my heart still hurts.  I try so hard, even to this day to see our good times, the positives and memories that I want to remember about our relationship. 

Today I hurt for the things unsaid, the wall that i felt so strongly to keep there, hoping one day I would have the opportunity to bring it down.  I hurt that the time that came,and went, for the times I held on to my pain.  Once someone passes away, your time is gone, it will never be there again on this earth, whatever you left with that person is how it will be until you get to join them in heaven.  While I make no claims on when anyone will die, or go to heaven ,I do know more than anything that I never want to feel this way with someone else ever again.  I never want to go to another funeral with hurts, or resentment in my heart, the feeling of words that have gone unsaid. 

Dear Aunt Donna,
    While I'd give anything to be able to say this to you in person, I know you wait for me, as whole as you've ever been in heaven.  I'm sorry for my wall, while it had it's place and time I wish we had a better relationship.  Thank you for teaching me about living for today, to love those that I love %100, to say 'i'm sorry' when needed, and to take no relationship for granted.  While I still have people I want to put the past behind me with, I now understand why doing it tomorrow may not always work.  I love you, and I look forward to the day I get to see you again.

                                                                           Much love,
                                                                                        Kelley